The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010)

★ ☆ ☆ ☆




There isn't much to say about The Sorcerer's Apprentice. It was awful. I don't know why Nick Cage gets messed up with junk like this. I can see Alfred Molina doing this for the money, but Nick Cage? Surely he could have found a better use of his time. Director John Turteltaub usually delivers above average action comedies. This is easily the worst thing I've seen from him. I'm not sure if I blame screenwriting pair Konner and Rosenthal more for their amateurish script (par for their course), or the casting director for finding the most annoying person on earth to play the lead. Seriously, am I the only person who wants to slap Jay Baruchel right now? The only thing that bothered me anywhere near as much as him was the generic teenage feel-good music that would burst out of nowhere, for no good reason every 8 minutes. I sat through this purely in hopes that there would be a few laughably bad scenes. It didn't even deliver that. There was no redeeming value to this movie.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

★ ★ ★ ★




Legendary director Werner Herzog has taken his career in several different directions since his glory days in the 70's. Notably, he now works almost entirely in English, and with major Hollywood actors. In Bad Lieutenant, Herzog casted Nicolas Cage to play the aptly titled main character in a wry take on the neo-noire genre. As usual, Herzog uses this film to examine the dark side of humanity, though in a more accessible manner. In marked contrast to his earlier work, Bad Lieutenant is funny, even feeling light hearted at times. The cynicism of the film is always buoyed by Nick Cage's casually vulgar performance. He makes you laugh, even when you suspect you shouldn't.

After seeing Fear and Loathing, I assumed that there was no need to ever see another drug movie. Trainspotting was the only exception that I'd found until the Bad Lieutenant. Herzog captured the casual hypocrisy of the Drug War by exploiting every imaginable stereotype about police corruption. While Cage's character was off the wall, he was never quite over the top. Somehow, it wouldn't surprise me if there were a dozen officers playing by his rules in post-Katrina New Orleans.







Despite the nonchalant attitude the film takes towards drugs and violence, it still maintains the subtlety that you would expect from a director of Herzog's stature. As the film progresses, tiny fragments of information congeal to give the seemingly aimless plot line some direction. Though it would be a stretch to call it conventional, there is a story buried beneath the rubble. Even if there wasn't, the comedy would be enough to make it worthwhile. I never thought I would say that about a Herzog film.

Worst Blockbuster Movies of the Decade

The first thing you'll notice about this list is that Battlefield Earth isn't on it. There are two reasons for this. First, it's hard to call it a blockbuster. The budget was over $40 million, but it only made about half of that back. Second, it is hilarious. Sure, it wasn't supposed to be funny, but it was. This makes it an awful movie, but not quite as bad as the 10 on the list. Without further ado:



10) G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra


Alright, I admit I couldn't actually bring myself to watch this one. I've heard such bad things about it from people I trust, that I feel comfortable sticking this on the list without having to sit through it. If that's not good enough for you, try sitting through it yourself.






9) Knowing


If Hollywood had a slogan, it would surely be "We Didn't Listen!" It seems that every second blockbuster is about how either we are headed for a cataclysmic event, and it could be averted if we listened to the mystics. It bothers me that Nicolas Cage takes roles like this. Cage has proven himself to be a world class actor in films such as Adaptation, The Weatherman, and Leaving Las Vegas. Unfortunately, he seems to privilege high paying roles where he doesn't have to play a loser.



8) Spider Man 3


The only thing worse than making one superhero movie starring Tobey Maguire is making three superhero movies starring Tobey Maguire. Then again, making four would be worse...you get the point.







7) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen


An movie about an emo kid and his robot friends trying to save the world from a bunch of other robots. It doesn't help that the kid is Shia LaBeouf. I'm still confused why they felt the need to include not one, but two dog sex scenes in the first hour. When I figured out that it was a 2 1/2 hour movie, I gave up and walked out. I wish I had that hour of my life back.





6) The Day After Tomorrow


Filmmakers often use their craft in order to shed light on a social issue that they care dearly about. That is fine, as long as it's done honestly. Unfortunately, this was not the case in The Day After Tomorrow. The degree to which the effects of global warming was so ridiculous that it became nothing more than a joke for global warming skeptics. Of course, director Roland Emmerich isn't out to fight global warming any more than he is to shill for Mayan prophecies. He's just looking for any excuse to use special effects.



5) 2012


Yes, a second Roland Emmerich movie. His 10,000 BC nearly gave him the hat trick (in his own net?). Emmerich has no eye for subtlety. All he knows how to do is knock over buildings. I don't even particularly care that the movie is about a dumb Mayan prophecy. I'm more perturbed by his general disregard for the laws of physics. I still don't understand how a vehicle can scrape it's way under a falling bridge. It's as though he pauses and fast forwards gravity at his discretion. This is film making at it's laziest.



4) Star Wars: Episode III


To be fair, Episode I was much worse. Yet even with the low expectations most people had for this, it still managed to disappoint. It was alternatively boring, and hilarious. Neither was intentional. I can't think of a worse way to end the disgraced Star Wars franchise.







3) The Matrix Revolutions


I hated the first Matrix movie. I understand why people liked it, but I hated it. I can't imagine anyone having liked the third installment. I don't understand what the point of the third movie was. We realised that Neo was supposed to be Jesus. Do we really need a movie about him being crucified? And what is with actually creating an entity called Deus Ex Machina? (Hey, let's use a scorned literary device, and actually call it by it's name). I kind of assume the irony was intentional, but it sure sucked all the gravitas out of the series (if there was any to begin with).


2) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull


Indiana Jones + Shia LaBeouf + aliens. Apparently this is a formula for box office success. The only good thing about this is that it was fodder for a great South Park episode.







1) Crash


There are 8 people in LA, and their lives are intimately connected (even though most of them don't really know each other). Crash is a movie about how pervasive racism is, yet they can only demonstrate this by relying on a series of unlikely consequences. While watching it, you can just imagine the biggest possible coincidence, and it'll happen in the next scene. Even beyond the coincidences, the premise is just ridiculous. I still remember hearing about Crash on a morning talk show while having breakfast with a friend. When we heard that it was about a "philosophical carjacker," we both burst out laughing. Imagine my reaction when it won best picture.