Worst Blockbuster Movies of the Decade

The first thing you'll notice about this list is that Battlefield Earth isn't on it. There are two reasons for this. First, it's hard to call it a blockbuster. The budget was over $40 million, but it only made about half of that back. Second, it is hilarious. Sure, it wasn't supposed to be funny, but it was. This makes it an awful movie, but not quite as bad as the 10 on the list. Without further ado:

10) G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Alright, I admit I couldn't actually bring myself to watch this one. I've heard such bad things about it from people I trust, that I feel comfortable sticking this on the list without having to sit through it. If that's not good enough for you, try sitting through it yourself.

9) Knowing

If Hollywood had a slogan, it would surely be "We Didn't Listen!" It seems that every second blockbuster is about how either we are headed for a cataclysmic event, and it could be averted if we listened to the mystics. It bothers me that Nicolas Cage takes roles like this. Cage has proven himself to be a world class actor in films such as Adaptation, The Weatherman, and Leaving Las Vegas. Unfortunately, he seems to privilege high paying roles where he doesn't have to play a loser.

8) Spider Man 3

The only thing worse than making one superhero movie starring Tobey Maguire is making three superhero movies starring Tobey Maguire. Then again, making four would be get the point.

7) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

An movie about an emo kid and his robot friends trying to save the world from a bunch of other robots. It doesn't help that the kid is Shia LaBeouf. I'm still confused why they felt the need to include not one, but two dog sex scenes in the first hour. When I figured out that it was a 2 1/2 hour movie, I gave up and walked out. I wish I had that hour of my life back.

6) The Day After Tomorrow

Filmmakers often use their craft in order to shed light on a social issue that they care dearly about. That is fine, as long as it's done honestly. Unfortunately, this was not the case in The Day After Tomorrow. The degree to which the effects of global warming was so ridiculous that it became nothing more than a joke for global warming skeptics. Of course, director Roland Emmerich isn't out to fight global warming any more than he is to shill for Mayan prophecies. He's just looking for any excuse to use special effects.

5) 2012

Yes, a second Roland Emmerich movie. His 10,000 BC nearly gave him the hat trick (in his own net?). Emmerich has no eye for subtlety. All he knows how to do is knock over buildings. I don't even particularly care that the movie is about a dumb Mayan prophecy. I'm more perturbed by his general disregard for the laws of physics. I still don't understand how a vehicle can scrape it's way under a falling bridge. It's as though he pauses and fast forwards gravity at his discretion. This is film making at it's laziest.

4) Star Wars: Episode III

To be fair, Episode I was much worse. Yet even with the low expectations most people had for this, it still managed to disappoint. It was alternatively boring, and hilarious. Neither was intentional. I can't think of a worse way to end the disgraced Star Wars franchise.

3) The Matrix Revolutions

I hated the first Matrix movie. I understand why people liked it, but I hated it. I can't imagine anyone having liked the third installment. I don't understand what the point of the third movie was. We realised that Neo was supposed to be Jesus. Do we really need a movie about him being crucified? And what is with actually creating an entity called Deus Ex Machina? (Hey, let's use a scorned literary device, and actually call it by it's name). I kind of assume the irony was intentional, but it sure sucked all the gravitas out of the series (if there was any to begin with).

2) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones + Shia LaBeouf + aliens. Apparently this is a formula for box office success. The only good thing about this is that it was fodder for a great South Park episode.

1) Crash

There are 8 people in LA, and their lives are intimately connected (even though most of them don't really know each other). Crash is a movie about how pervasive racism is, yet they can only demonstrate this by relying on a series of unlikely consequences. While watching it, you can just imagine the biggest possible coincidence, and it'll happen in the next scene. Even beyond the coincidences, the premise is just ridiculous. I still remember hearing about Crash on a morning talk show while having breakfast with a friend. When we heard that it was about a "philosophical carjacker," we both burst out laughing. Imagine my reaction when it won best picture.